They agreed to have a joint debate with the presidential and vice presidential candidates participating. Just to make it fair, the non-partisan narrators chosen were Chris ‘The Tingle’ Mathews, Rachel ‘Mad Cow’ Maddow and Bob ‘Where the hell am I?’ Shieffer. (Keith Obermann was not available. He was washing AlGore’s shorts.) Of course the debate was held at a neutral location, the McCormick Place in Chicago.
The Tingle begins by asking Ryan when he first wanted to deprive little old ladies of their health care. Ryan replies that his plan saves Medicare and that Obamacare cut over seven hundred billion from the program. To which Biden replies, “Nyaaa Nyaaa says you!” Obama adds, “I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you! Mad Cow tells Mathews to stop spitting on her.
Shieffer asks Romney, “Why did you steal my strawberry yogurt?”
Mad Cow asks Obama, “Boy, you’re really dreamy!! Is it difficult to be so handsome?” “Of course I am.” says O.
Biden says, “I was quite the looker in my day. How a ’bout you Rach, wanna get together after the show?” Everyone in McCormick Place rolls their eyes.
Mad Cow slams Romney with, “Do you still barbecue black children?” Mitt replies with, “Well Rachel, the truth is the Democrats kill children every day by demanding continued support for Planned Parenthood, the biggest abortion provider in the country. Conservatives stand for life, not death.”
Tingle turns his attention to Joe Biden. “How about you Mr. Vice President, Do the Clippers stand a chance this year?” “Of course they do. You know they say, On any given Sunday any team can beat any other team. They will have to look out for the Cubs though.” Maddow tells The Tingle if he spits on her one more time she’ll deck him.
Schieffer wakes with a start asking where the bathroom is. “I have to change my catheter, NOW!”
Mad Cow asks Romney why he allowed a plumbing contractor who did a job for his cousin in 1974 to employ an illegal alien.
Obama chimes in with, “yeah, how come, huh, huh?”
Mitt said he had heard the rumors and checked them out. As it turned out Mr. Lee wasn’t even Chinese. He was a direct descendant of the Civil War general, Robert E. Lee.
Joe Biden asks, “If the questions get too hard can I call a life line?” Obama kicks him under the table while muttering, “Maybe if I offer that bitch Clinton more money she’ll change her mind. She would make a better V.P. than this moron no matter how much I hate her.” Biden screams, I heard that! I agree with Bill, you should be serving us coffee, you jerk!” Obama replies with, “If you didn’t stick both of your feet in your mouth every time you open it I wouldn’t feel this way!”
Biden storms out in a huff. Obama hollers, “Foul, no fair, you made Biden talk. No fair. I’m leaving! This debate is rigged! ..and besides Romney was secretly divorced in 1963!” and Then he runs out of McCormick Place, crying like the little girl he is
The moderators confer and declare Obama and Biden the winners due to a rules violation by the Republicans. It turns out that substance wasn’t allowed. Unbeknownst to Romney and Ryan this was a cliche and sound bite debate. McCormick Place empties and Schieffer returns to the stage, totally unaware of the huge stain on the front of his pants and declares, “We are ready to begin.”